


For the Sake of Pride

by stubliminalmessaging



Category: The Hobbit (2012)
Genre: ASSGLITTER AHOY, Gen, Sassy, kili has huge fuckin parasites ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-15
Updated: 2013-04-15
Packaged: 2017-12-08 14:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/762193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stubliminalmessaging/pseuds/stubliminalmessaging
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin challenges Thranduil to an ancient dwarvish custom that he cannot refuse while keeping his pride and Legolas' bachelorhood intact. Or something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For the Sake of Pride

**Author's Note:**

  * For [poedaaaayumeron](https://archiveofourown.org/users/poedaaaayumeron/gifts).



> based off of some silly discussions that were had in thorinsexenshield's tinychat

“Hands off, tree-shagger,” Thorin snarled, elbowing the guard trying to cuff his wrists hard in the groin. He threw off various other elf hands and marched right up to the Elfking and his stupid fucking moose chair. The king looked infuriatingly disinterested and Thorin seethed.

“Did you need something?” Thranduil asked, inspecting his nails. His bastard elf guards snickered.

Thorin had to resist the urge to sick his nephews on them.

“I want only to pass unharmed through your kingdom,” Thorin said through gritted teeth. “So if you’d keep your filthy hand off me I’ll be on my way.”

“Eugh, why would I put my hands on you?” Thranduil asked, brushing a speck of imaginary dwarf-dirt off of his pristine silver tunic. “I wouldn’t risk the diseases and parasites I’m sure your company is lousy with.”

Thorin had to hold a hand up deftly to silence Kili before he babbled on about how his parasites were the biggest etc. He huffed out a sigh and turned back to Thranduil. “I care not for your shallow elvish games. My company and I seek only to leave your domain unscathed. It would be kind of you to reach far out of your usual behaviour and allow us to pass through. Act as if we are not here,” he snorted. “Since we all know you’re so good at that.”

Thranduil tried not to react, but his jaw dropped very slightly and his eyebrows knit together. “Thorin Oakenshield, I don’t think I like your tone.”

“That’s good, since I wasn’t trying to do you any favours,” Thorin growled and found that he had to take a step back to gather his dissipating patience. He scrubbed a hand down over his face then regarded the Elfking again. “Let’s not waste time; are you going to let my company and I pass through your realm or do we need to fight our way out?”

If Thranduil wasn’t above snorting in derision he definitely would have right there. “Fight your way out? You dwarves couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag, much less through my entire elite guard.” Nor could they fight their way out of canvas sacks, Thorin thought. They’d needed a hobbit to do that for them. “As much as I dislike the idea of dirtying my dungeons with your smelly company, there are some things that cannot be avoided.”

When a pair of elven guards advance on Thorin and seized him by his arms he thrashed, screaming profanities as he did until over the shouting he heard Kili cry out; “Wait! Uncle!”

Thorin paused his flailing and looked to his youngest heir.

“Uncle, just challenge him to the customary Dwarfhood Challenge! You know he cannot turn down the challenge with his true pride intact!”

It clicked in Thorin’s mind like an epiphany. “The Dwarfhood Challenge! Kili, there are times when I don’t regret saving you from those wargs when you were a baby!”

“W-what?”

“The Dwarfhood Challenge!” Thorin declared, turning his gaze back to the elfking who sat in silence watching the exchange. Thorin’s company was murmuring in excitement to each other and Thranduil had to call for silence in order to further interrogate Thorin.

“What is this challenge?” Thranduil asked, trying hard not to betray his genuine curiosity.

“The Dwarfhood Challenge is a custom very close to all dwarves, used when two dwarves seek to compete to court the same dwarf. It has gone back for generations and has never failed our people, and now, filthy elfking, I challenge you!”

“But I am not seeking to court some dwarf,” Thranduil said flippantly. “so there is no reason for me to feel obligated to accept your challenge. To the dungeons!”

“But what if we were competing for the courting rights of our heirs?” Thorin asked ad Thranduil had to struggle not to sputter and flail in protest. “If my heir seeked to court your heir, would you defend his honour in this challenge?”

“Of course I would!” Thranduil said. “I would never allow my Legolas to marry some lowly exiled prince, dwarf or otherwise.”

“Then I suppose you will need to defend your son’s honour because my nephew has a huge thing for your Leggles – isn’t that right, Fili?”

“Uh, yeah-“ Fili looked away from where he and Kili had been making faces at the statuesque elf guards flanking their group. “Yeah. Massive thing. Want some of that. Yep.”

Thorin wanted to kiss Fili for the look of horror that Thranduil had on his face at that. He stood from his throne and took only a couple of long paces until he was toe-to-toe with Thorin. One would say nose-to-nose, but given the height difference one would be wrong.

“I accept your challenge! If you win, you will pass through my realm undeterred and if I win you will be thrown in my dungeons!”

“Aye, I accept these terms.”

“What does the challenge entail?”

“An ancient custom sacred to our people,” Thorin replied. He paced back to his company and began stripping off his outer layers, preparing himself for the challenge. When he was down to his last layer of clothing, a thin white top, he turned to face Thranduil. “A wet tunic contest.”

Thranduil had to take a moment. A long moment. To process this. But with one thought to his Legolas getting married to the smelly blond Durin prince and Thranduil was stripping his layers off and handing them off to a guard also.

Thorin readied himself also, stretching and cracking his aching limbs till they popped. Fili came to him with a shaker like one might use for salt or pepper and held it out.

“Uncle, please use some glitter! It will make your pecs sparkle like the stars!”

But Thorin just waved him off, telling him to save it for when he needed his parts to sparkle and went back to mentally prepping himself for the challenge. He would beat this elf and get his company out of this foul elven kingdom and they would be back on their way to Erebor or he wasn’t Thorin II Oakenshield.

\--

Apparently he actually wasn’t, because moments later he and his company were thrown into cells in the dungeons under the elven realm.

Fili sighed from the next cell over from Thorin. “You should have use the glitter, Uncle.”


End file.
